Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Why You Shouldn't Steal Food at University

After my last blog post.. I promised to a few that I’d do this one.. and you know, it’s pretty important.

Here’s 5 stupid but valid reasons why you shouldn’t steal food

1. It’s Mean

Obviously the most obvious rule in this obvious list.. Stealing is bad and you should go to jail. I mean, put yourself in their shoes and you’ve just spent your glorious government money which you’re planning to not really pay back on a lovely tub of ben and jerry’s ice cream because you’re going to watch the notebook and you know you’ll need it. IMAGINE YOU’VE DONE ALL THAT, and when you get to eat your ice cream its gone. just imagine right now how much you could possibly prematurely cry before that film. If it helps though, premature cryalation is now treatable and you can buy man-up pills in your local pharmacy.
BUT BACK TO THE POINT… it’s mean.. and you shouldn’t do it.

2. BOOBYTRAPS
(pure evil)

When stealing food (which you shouldn’t do because it’s mean), try not to go for things like butter, milk, or anything like that.. Very likely, and I know this for a fact because I did with my friend it to catch people, it is absolutely covered in laxatives. SEE, with bread, you can’t really put laxatives in, but anything slightly softer and dairy, well.. you just can’t tell. 
What’s better than using someone else’s milk for your tea, then 10 minutes later that tea comes SPRAYING out the other end. On the upside, it’s like drinking green tea with a better taste. Because you can lie all you want and say its a lovely healthy drink, but frankly, i’ve tasted better cooking from Molly.

3.. You Get Caught

There is nothing more embarrassing than stealing someones food and someone walks in and catches you. it’s even worse if its the person who’s food you’re stealing. It’s even even worse if that person is Chuck Norris, but it’s still bad if they’re not… unless you’re chuck norris, then in that case, they’re merely donating it to you for their own safety. 

but yeah, if you get caught, it’s going to be an AWKWARD situation between you and them.. even more awkward if you’ve already eaten it. 

4. The Common Snitch.

We all have them wherever we are.. there are people who like to tell on other people. We frown on them in a normal society, and even some authorities do as well. But it happens. There may be one person who gets to fed up, he runs and tells the hall manager that someones been stealing their food.. which probes absolutely no investigation WHATSOEVER, but merely an angry email to EVERYONE in that halls.. which is just ANNOYING. so stop!

5. They Might Flip.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Say you go to the gym because some dude photoshopped a picture of you and made you look bigger.. which made you feel small. And say you now drink protein shakes because that is apparently a thing to do. And say you had 8 pints of milk in your fridge which disappeared overnight.. surely you’d just take everyone else’s milk and throw it away so nobody has milk then threaten to take everyones food too if it happens again.

SEE, this actually worked, because it didn’t happen again.. BUT THATS WHAT HAPPENED.

DONT STEAL FOOD.. because someone might rage out and throw everyones away… leaving a lot of people angry at you.. and they will sniff you out.. yes they will.




BASICALLY

We don’t know who you are, and we don’t know what you want.. if you’re looking for more food, we can tell you we have none, but if you stop stealing, that’ll be the end of it.. 

if you do not stop however, we will pursue you, we will find you and we will slap you with a naan bread. STOP IT.


- Oli

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