Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Why You Shouldn't Steal Food at University

After my last blog post.. I promised to a few that I’d do this one.. and you know, it’s pretty important.

Here’s 5 stupid but valid reasons why you shouldn’t steal food

1. It’s Mean

Obviously the most obvious rule in this obvious list.. Stealing is bad and you should go to jail. I mean, put yourself in their shoes and you’ve just spent your glorious government money which you’re planning to not really pay back on a lovely tub of ben and jerry’s ice cream because you’re going to watch the notebook and you know you’ll need it. IMAGINE YOU’VE DONE ALL THAT, and when you get to eat your ice cream its gone. just imagine right now how much you could possibly prematurely cry before that film. If it helps though, premature cryalation is now treatable and you can buy man-up pills in your local pharmacy.
BUT BACK TO THE POINT… it’s mean.. and you shouldn’t do it.

2. BOOBYTRAPS
(pure evil)

When stealing food (which you shouldn’t do because it’s mean), try not to go for things like butter, milk, or anything like that.. Very likely, and I know this for a fact because I did with my friend it to catch people, it is absolutely covered in laxatives. SEE, with bread, you can’t really put laxatives in, but anything slightly softer and dairy, well.. you just can’t tell. 
What’s better than using someone else’s milk for your tea, then 10 minutes later that tea comes SPRAYING out the other end. On the upside, it’s like drinking green tea with a better taste. Because you can lie all you want and say its a lovely healthy drink, but frankly, i’ve tasted better cooking from Molly.

3.. You Get Caught

There is nothing more embarrassing than stealing someones food and someone walks in and catches you. it’s even worse if its the person who’s food you’re stealing. It’s even even worse if that person is Chuck Norris, but it’s still bad if they’re not… unless you’re chuck norris, then in that case, they’re merely donating it to you for their own safety. 

but yeah, if you get caught, it’s going to be an AWKWARD situation between you and them.. even more awkward if you’ve already eaten it. 

4. The Common Snitch.

We all have them wherever we are.. there are people who like to tell on other people. We frown on them in a normal society, and even some authorities do as well. But it happens. There may be one person who gets to fed up, he runs and tells the hall manager that someones been stealing their food.. which probes absolutely no investigation WHATSOEVER, but merely an angry email to EVERYONE in that halls.. which is just ANNOYING. so stop!

5. They Might Flip.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Say you go to the gym because some dude photoshopped a picture of you and made you look bigger.. which made you feel small. And say you now drink protein shakes because that is apparently a thing to do. And say you had 8 pints of milk in your fridge which disappeared overnight.. surely you’d just take everyone else’s milk and throw it away so nobody has milk then threaten to take everyones food too if it happens again.

SEE, this actually worked, because it didn’t happen again.. BUT THATS WHAT HAPPENED.

DONT STEAL FOOD.. because someone might rage out and throw everyones away… leaving a lot of people angry at you.. and they will sniff you out.. yes they will.




BASICALLY

We don’t know who you are, and we don’t know what you want.. if you’re looking for more food, we can tell you we have none, but if you stop stealing, that’ll be the end of it.. 

if you do not stop however, we will pursue you, we will find you and we will slap you with a naan bread. STOP IT.


- Oli

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Why It’s Impossible To Forget Portsmouth University

Over the past year, (well 6 months, but i like to make it sound longer) I have been studying photography at Portsmouth University.. and no, its not just instagram and selfies, even if that is a large portion of it. Photography is a good way of showing the stupid ideas in your head on a camera and making everyone aware to stay away from you because you probably deserve to be locked up.
The halls I stayed in were small, cramped, had no en suite bathrooms and people that steal food (i’ll get onto that at a later blog post). Not so desirable.
The city itself, well.. hasn’t got much to it.. and the locals.. well most of them look like they could easily sneak onto the Jeremy Kyle show and get away with it.

But enough bitching about it.. because frankly, I chose to go there. However, recently, as most will know because i won’t shut up about it.. I got accepted into London College of Fashion to do Fashion Photography.. which I accepted, and will be doing..

So really I wanted to say goodbye to everyone, without doing a totally predictable status about how everyone was lovely which is what the entire world does. No, instead, for the first time this day, I’m being hipster and writing it in a blog post.

to be honest, I haven’t enjoyed the university.. but thats just the university.. the people inside that university, could possibly be some of the greatest people I have ever met. sure, we all make enemies.. and we make friends too, but at the end of the day, when you go, you rank your enemies just as high as you do your good ol’ bum chums. Believe it or not, I will actually miss everyone, all for different reasons.. some more than others, and some.. just a little bit. I’m not too sure where to carry this blog, so i’m pretty much just sitting on a train home, looking out at that phallic shaped tower in the distance thinking of the positives rather than the negatives..


But some people you just can’t forget.. and you all know who you are and if i didn’t add you.. message me, and i’ll fix that.

1.
I will never forget the 2nd week in where we broke into my next door neighbours room through the window and moved the entire contents into the living room whilst he’s out telling his family how nice we are.
2.
I will never forget having that one spanish guy in the halls who was happier than the rest and always tried to make every one else happy.
3.
I will never forget the protein obsessed gym guy who listened to nothing buy ‘Bugatti’ 50000 times on repeat.
4.
I will never forget the small pocket sized Indian Hipster who claimed he was from Saudi Arabia and Dubai.
5.
I will never forget the rather tall english man who is and always will be obsessed with his girlfriend even though me and hipster indian man kept teasing you.. that is the epitome of true love.
6.
I will never forget the bovril queen on the floor below me who sent snapchats of herself doing a sad face nonstop.
7.
I will never forget the corridor that always had their doors open.. who’s residents included a french woman, a horse lover, a surfer and a guy who on my last day dropped his towel and walked into his room proudly.
8.
I will never forget the 3am singing sessions outside from a certain welsh person who can take on 6 bouncers in a club and survive.
9.
I will never forget the guy with the MASSIVE afro who skated everywhere whilst running over his bottom lip which dropped oh so low.
10.
I will never forget my other Iranian at the uni and how you never actually taught me farsi like you promised.
11.
I will never forget the worlds craziest and loudest girl ever who didn’t even live in halls but still managed to get in nonstop.
12.
I will never forget my super-lenient neighbour who puts up will ALL the noise i make through out plasterboard wall
13.
I'll never forget the guy that screams 'JONNY' at his online games.
14.
I'll never forget the guy that says what he wants.. including 'YOU WOT MATE'

but most of all I will never forget all the people that made these last 6 months some of the best of my life.

you guys are the best.


- Oli

Sunday, 16 March 2014

A Cat's 9th Life is it's Most Precious

Today has been a difficult day for me. If you know me you'll know how much I love my cat. 

I woke up this morning to my cat, Seany (who believe it or not is female... silly, I know) giving herself a bath at the end of my bed. Now this isn't anything unusual, but when I looked closer, I noticed a huge opened wound/lump she was cleaning. I was shocked. I went straight to my mum and told her to call the vets ASAP! 
As it was a Saturday, the vets opened later than usual, so we had to wait a few hours before we could go in. In that time the wound got very visibly worse (if any of you have a pet, you'll know just how nerve-racking it can be to see them ill or hurt). 


After what felt like 5 hours we finally got to the vets, and everything went steeply downhill from there. I was slapped in the face with the news that my cat has a severe case of breast cancer which can't be operated on, and she's not going to be alive for much longer. I didn't know what to say, it's like the vet had dragged all the air out of my lungs and told me to swim.
 The vet has given me some anti-biotics for the wound but really, thats just treating symptoms and not the actual illness. 


The whole affair still hasn't sunk in properly, because technically she can still live for a good few years more, which I think makes the whole situation a lot worse, but what can you do. I will be unbelievably upset and lonely when she goes, which probably sounds a bit sad b


ecause she's "just a cat" but she means the world to me. As some people know, she isn't the friendliest cat at all, but to me, she wouldn't lay a paw on me, let alone taking her claws out.

At the moment she has this cone around her head to stop her from irritating the wound which she isn't happy about but it's for the best. Unfortunately, the vet said, as long as she's alive, she'd have to wear this cone to stop irritating the cancer.



Being a sad day for me and my family, and knowing that there is nothing we can do but wait, unfortunately, the only updates I will have on this, will be worsening conditions. 

To everyone out there with a pet, or your first pet, treat it like it is the world, because you never know what lies around the corner.

- Molly

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Why I Cant Sleep Tonight

So, it's not really relevant to anything I normally post, but it is really bugging me. As tonight in Portsmouth is a very foggy night, everything I do is being disturbed by possibly the most annoying noise known to man kind.

Who ever created the foghorn should be barbecued in public. It is a horrific noise! I live probably about 500 metres away from the beach. Thats probably another 200 metres away from the ships coming into port at least because of the shallow water.



That is 700 hundred metres! HOW THE HELL CAN I HEAR THOSE FOG HORNS PIPING ALL NIGHT LONG. Wouldn't it just be easy to use easier methods, like you know, radar or something. Or how about, check this one out... a radio!

Apparently for modern day ships, that's just far too simple. And apparently nobody will know just where you are. You see, the down side to that, is the fact that, instead of nobody knowing where they are... EVERYONE CAN.

To be honest, it's more of a rant than a post, but its an issue that needs covering, because my head is literally going to explode.

I NEED MY SLEEP.

- Oli

Bourjois Healthy Mix Foundation

£9.99 

Great for normal to dry skin. As it has a dewy finish it might make oily skin a little bit shiny but with a bit of powder it would be fine. 

- Medium to a build-able coverage. 

- Light weight feel on the skin. 

Supposedly last up to16hours. I would say it has a good staying power but I'm not sure about 16hours. It does last longer if you powder over the top. 

- Hasn't broken me out. If anything I think it has helped my skin. 

- Great pump. Only downside to the new bottle is it isn't as travel friendly because it is made out of glass, whereas the old healthy mix bottle was plastic. 

Overall a great foundation. I would definitely recommend it. If there was any thing I didn't cover, feel free to ask me. 

And Follow for loads more reviews and updates coming soon! 

- Molly

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

So How This Blog is Going to Work?

So, we have done our talking, and since we have received INCREDIBLE hype over the first few days of opening, we don't want any of the hype to slow down.

So here's how this blog is going to work.

We are going to try and do just a little post everyday, and then Once a week, there will be a larger, more upscale and more promoted post. Therefore, we relax our brains a little bit, and can give you a better, more funny, and more entertaining post for when we release it.

Keep looking though.. This weeks Big Post is going to show just how stupid dance has turned since 2000. It also involves Gangnam Style.

WE WILL TRY AND KEEP YOU UPDATED ALMOST EVERYDAY.. JUST TO KEEP THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE GIVEN US INCREDIBLE SUPPORT HAPPY. 
THANK YOU FOR AN AMAZING 5 DAYS.

- Molly and Oli

Why Your Mum should Never be Allowed on Facebook

(as promised)

Like me, you're probably stupid enough to accept your mum ('mom' if you're American and wrong) on facebook and be excited because she's one of your first friends and you've finally decided to join the huge 1.23 billion strong network of people.
If you are however about to start out on facebook, don't.

seriously, don't.

See, the thing about parents are, they've known you most if not all of your whole life (usually the latter). This means, they can seriously mess around with your life at the most inappropriate of times.

So here are my reasons why you should never have your mum on facebook


1. They can ruin your street cred.

Now, although this isn't my mum, this is awful. I'd probably cry if I ever saw this happen. I mean, innocent little you wants to put a status about boobs up on facebook in the hope that everyone will find it funny and think, 'yeah, what a lad, boobs.. awesome', when really it means one of two things.

1. Your mum is about to get more likes on that comment than you will on that entire status, which is just bad news because your friends will probably end up poking her (ON FACEBOOK). 
2. Your mum has just implied that you have absolutely zero game in trying to find romance in this tough, tough world. 

2. They can be just disgustingly awkward

Now, people who know me will know, that Jane, is my real mum. so when you see this, THIS IS ACTUALLY HER. You can now get an idea of how awkward it is when i see these sort of posts go up. 
They are awkward anyway, but when you have your friends on her facebook, which was never a good idea to let them add her, and they start liking these posts, and you see, you just feel like putting your head between two cars and asking the drivers to crash.

3. They could publicly show their man-crushes

Yep, that is still my mum. And this is how weird my life is. Remember, that I have only taken a selection of her status'. 
When any woman shows her affection to a male athlete, you think nothing of it. But when it's your mum, you want to cry. Especially when your mum just implied to the whole world that she watches illegal porn (pretty much just made that official incase the world didn't see). If you want to see more, you can find it all here.

4. Farmville and Candy Crush... enough said

We've all been here.. even if its not your mum (and your lying if its not), but we've all definitely been here. The THOUSANDS of invites you used to receive, and I'm only using farmville as an example (partly because its the most annoying). See, getting invites is bad, but then your mum will go ahead and create a whole status about the app and how to defeat it.

This may seem like an innocent status, but once your mum does this, all the other mums in the galaxy will start to comment. To be honest, I dont mind this so much, apart from my mum saying 'omg' which is just a nono.

5. Trying to use Text Writing

I don't actually have an image for this... because I have about 7000. Therefore, it doesn't require one. If by chance you are a mother and you are reading this blog, it is not okay to speak in text writing. It never has been okay, it never will be okay.
Kids are growing out of it now, so why do you think it's 'hip' to write words in text talk. 

I GUARANTEE if you have your mum on facebook you have seen her write the following:
1. lol
2. omg
3. u (instead of you)
4. lol again
5. brb

A word of advice mums out there. 'lol' means 'laugh out loud', not 'lots of love'. Okay?!

6. Constant Tagging you in Posts

This really doesn't need an explanation to how painfully awkward it is. 

People, it's okay, my mum does it to. I know it's a touchy subject, and I know sometimes this gets out of hand.

7. Embarrassing Status' About You

This, has happened to everyone (well not this, but the status thing). I mean, the embarrassing status is the one thing people fear the most. You do one slip up at home, or they see one thing or hear one thing, your parents suddenly think facebook is twitter and will decide to share their WHOLE LIFE.

ITS NOT EVEN TRUE, I WASN'T DANCING IN HEELS! JUST WANTED TO SEE IF THEY FIT. HAD ENOUGH OF IT.

8. The Childhood/Baby Photo


Believe it or not, there were cameras when you were a baby, and your mum will have thousands of you. Now, I don't want to put a baby photo on here, because frankly, my bare bum looks better now than my face then. But, my mum did post this gem of a photo. And yes, it's embarrassing, and no, I'm not Scottish, and yes, I called it a 'quilt' instead of a 'kilt'

BUT THAT NOTS THE POINT.

PARENTS: IT IS NOT OKAY TO UPLOAD PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY WERE KIDS ON FACEBOOK. 

If we wanted that up, we would have done it ourselves, which is why I've put it up here because I just look awesome.



So Basically, if any parents do read this... Please, think of your kids. We know you've had to wipe our bums on many an occasion and probably received a well place stream of wee into your eye when we were babies (we did it because you let us crap ourselves and pulled a face when you noticed we smelled), but that doesn't mean humiliate us. 
It means, be proud of us. IT'S NOT EASY TO HIT SUCH A SPECIFIC SPOT WHEN WEEING!

And to the children of parents.. basically everyone... delete your parents, because you know they've done all of this.. and if they haven't, it's just a matter of time.

- Oli


check out Molly's last post. How To Have a Long Distance Relationship by clicking here



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